Attempt 2 then...

Okay, so today was the day i decided to check it out properly (or yesterday? hmm).. Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I don't really know why I haven't done it earlier, fear maybe? or if I didn't check then it couldn't ever be bad, right? The stories i've read are inspirational, really these people deserve medals!!
( http://www.cancerforums.net/threads/11648-I-have-stage-3-hodgkin-s-lymphoma-..-and-undergoing-chemo)


Just over 1,500 people are diagnosed with Hodgkin lymphoma in the UK each year, and most of these people don't have any risk factors: So what's that about smoking causing cancer?! pfft. It's generally a very curable cancer, with a low death rate..
Currently my dad's on this trial, no drugs, simply extra scans to gather more data on the cancer. There's all these websites on "how to live with cancer" or "how to cope".. there's no real right or wrong way to cope, which is a horrible answer really. But after reading other people's experiences i'm gonna try not to pester too much, and worry if he needs something; i can see why that would be annoying. But it affects everyone in different ways, it hit me hard when i found out, my dad and me had become very close in the last 18 months (the later 6 really), and we were both gonna pass our bike tests this year, I'd beat him obv, and get big bikes, throw the "L" plates, and head to the bwlch for a cuppa and ice-cream. But now that's all on hold, he's not in any state, physically or financially to do it, whereas i have to, everything we had planned this year is now down the drain. Sounds daft, but we're literally living each day as it comes, one day at a time.

The word "Cancer" originally breaks your heart, you don't say it, and you think you never will, but after a week or so its just another word, just another part of your vocabulary. Its a horrible word, but you get used to it, its just a word after all. You find that cancer, and the effects are all you talk about sometimes, but its good...It makes you feel better as you can talk. At first it was hard, i didn't want to tell anyone anything, i could escape and live a normal life, ha! that didn't happen :/ First day back, and i burst into tears, not from telling friends but the head of the college.. luckily my friends are there, if i need them their at the other end of the phone.

Another half depressing post, but i think it does actually work, this does let out some stress i guess. But bed is calling,

NuhNight xo


(Sorry, this made me giggle)

I think there's just one type of folks, folks.

Where to begin, honestly I'm just seeing if this actually works, venting frustration and anger to a computer as people don't really understand.

Take last weeks episode of Glee, and Kurt's dad, most people didn't really get the whole religion thing, granted i probably wouldn't month of two back. Unless you've been that person, not the one with an illness, but the son, daughter, mother, wife, etc... you wouldn't know how it feels to have your whole world flipped upside down over night. Its excruciating, unfair, unreal, you go to bed crying for weeks, spend Christmas eve in bed by yourself balling as you don't want to burden your parents with your crap. They've got enough on their plates without any help, so you keep it in, your friends try to make you feel better, they try to understand but no one really does, not unless they've been in your position. One day your world is perfect, a boyfriend, happy parents, a new bike, college was going good, i was looking forward to Christmas, then BOOM, and it's all gone. Christmas was horrible, not being able to talk to your parents because your brother and sister don't know, and not being able to talk to friends in case it ruined their Christmas, utter torture. You get to the point where you think that you've used up all your tears, that you physically can't cry anymore, then you think (again) and low and behold the tears come streaming back.

I guess i was fine telling some of the girls,but after telling John everything, i couldn't tell anyone else, bloody tears, you'd swear i was the one who was ill!

Then come the exams, pointless exams that will get me to uni, and go 50/50. Annoyingly i think I've done okay, and could get into uni, pass my bike test, etc.. and then it hits you, this is your year, the year your going to do well, and turn 18 and have a lovely time with the girls, say your goodbyes and head off on your own to uni. But its a horrible feeling, I'm looking forward to the next 11 months, but this is the worst year of your life, this is the year you suffer, you lose your remaining hair, your sick, have to have scans and treatment all the time, have to spend my 18th in a hospital. This is a bad year for you, but your looking forward to seeing me go off and do well.

I'm trying to help, I'm doing as much as i can, but it's not enough, there's not enough time in the day or days in the week!

Every thing's broken down, relationships have ended, your stuck in this house, friends don't know what to say when you've had a bad day, and i break into tears spontaneously. I never know what to say to you, i don't want to research it as i don't want to find out there's a mega chance of you dying, but I'll end up doing so before this new scan. :/ grr.

I been online, and some people have turned to religion and asked 'God' to help them, but if there was a 'God' wouldn't they not allow such suffering? wouldn't he/she give it to these druggies who are like walking zombies having to find veins in their ankles?! Would they really allow such suffering and not help? Again, take last weeks Glee, Kurt's story with his dad, you wouldn't have understood the religion element unless you've been/are in that position, your world has changed completely, of course your gonna either find or strengthen your faith or lose the very little you had. I've always been a 'glass is half empty' person, but now I'm completely and utterly pessimistic and see the bad side of Everything! My view on things have changed too, people are awful and I (hand on heart) hate most of them, my faith has diminished significantly, I'm a much more tense person, I'm not bothered about the world anymore, I really don't care what's happening in Tunisia or Egypt, I care about me, myself and my family.



I guess that's my rant over, if you can call it that? I'm not sure.
It hasn't really done much, but i guess it good to get feelings out, right?

xo